How fast does your day go by? Does it drag past, to the point where you count down to half-past five (or six, whatever) or does it flash past so fast you can’t believe it’s THAT time already? How satisfied do you feel at the end of it?
If you answered 1. to the first question, and “not much” or something similar to the second, chances are the ladder of success you’ve been climbing is leaning against the wrong wall. But what about how to find the right one?

Many of the self help books on the market tell you to follow your passion to find true success… but what if you don’t know what that is? If you’re like me, for many years I was so busy studying, then looking for a job, then trying to get ahead in the ones I got, that I didn’t have time to stop and think about what I enjoyed, let alone go out looking for it. Is this you?

If it is, then the first VITAL step towards finding and living your dream life is to take time out of each and every day just for YOU. Doesn’t matter if it’s only 20 minutes lying in bed in the morning before you get up, or in the evening before you go to sleep. Ideally it should be at least half an hour, during the time of day when you feel most clear-headed and when you don’t have anything urgent or scheduled waiting for you afterwards. In other words, time when you can concentrate without other issues or commitments interfering.

For the first week or two (three if you need it) your focus will be to relax. Read, sunbathe, meditate, take a bath, play some soft, soothing music; anything that lets you switch off and drain the tension out of your muscles. If you can afford it, get a massage once a week (some massage schools offer discount rates if you let their students work on you, supervised of course)

This is important because stress releases adrenaline that accumulates in your system over time, and when your body is perpetually hyped up, your mind can not relax. What you are aiming to do is to convince your body that you are not under attack, (de-stress) and get into the habit of nurturing your body as well as your mind and spirit. If you’re an “adrenaline junkie” like me, learning to relax will be hard for the first while, but believe me it will pay off to do.

…to be continued next weekend

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity Newsletter, slightly updated to make it current]

Do you feel satisfied at the end of the week that you’ve accomplished something or made a difference at work, or is it a good week for you when you get as far as Wednesday before you wish it was the weekend?

It amazes me (although I understand totally from past experience) how many people spend five days of the week wishing and waiting for the other two. Five-sevenths of your life is a lot to throw away…

Of course the theory of enjoying your work doesn’t always stand up to the realities of the job you have. I think it’s a tragedy that so many kids these days are brought up to believe that they’ll be lucky to get any kind of job at all, and never put the time or effort into working out what they would LIKE to do. Working that out is one of the best time investments I ever made, and I have to say, continues to be something I re-evaluate every now and again. My ideals do tend to change from year to year, as I grow and redefine my priorities.

If you read the biographies of modern millionaires, you’ll find that the majority of them have done this very process.

Back to real life, though. If your passion is surfing and you’re not confident enough to start a surfing holiday tour company (two of those millionaires did!) then there are a few ways you can at least salvage some of your self esteem on the job, as a first step to building the life of your dreams. Here are a few ideas that could help:

1. One of the best little tips I use at work (and no, I don’t have my dream job yet, I run this site and ezine after hours while I go to work to pay the bills) is to keep track of everything I’ve accomplished. My diary is a list of everything I plan to do during the day, as well as a record of what’s been done. I love the satisfaction of crossing things off, and as new stuff is added and written down I don’t feel nearly as overwhelmed seeing it there on paper as I would trying to juggle it all mentally. I use each day’s list as a lead in to planning the most important (NOT urgent) things I want to achieve the next day, so that I can squeeze them in before things get overwhelming most days, and over time it also comes in handy in being able to work out more accurately how long something’s going to take me. Of course, a technique like this may not work with some kinds of jobs (like helpdesk support and other crisis response positions, where there’s not a lot of planning) – you may have to play with the idea, or just take a few minutes at the end of the day to note down the biggest things you’ve achieved. When I can see, in front of me in my diary, that the day has had a result, I find it much easier to put it behind me & go home in a positive frame of mind. Over time, it even made it easier to turn up in the mornings 😉
2. Dealing with Office Politics: if you find that the gossip and backstabbing at work follows you no matter how many job changes and transfers you make, welcome to the real world. it is an unfortunate fact of life that any hierarchical structure will create political maneuvering. That doesn’t, however, mean that you should bare your fangs and dive right in. I read, once, of a brilliant way to turn the tables on the frustration that politics can cause.
   The gentleman in question kept changing jobs, and even after he decided to settle down he kept being passed over for promotion. Not only was he not familiar with the rules of the political game, he was outspoken enough about his hatred of it that everyone ended up ranged against him.
   Fortunately, he had a boss who explained to him that it was this that was holding him back. He decided to take a fresh approach to his attitude to the job.
   Of his $40,000 salary, he decided that $10,000 of it was to cover the actual work he accomplished. The rest, he considered was to pay for putting up with all the … (fill in the blank yourself – there’s a filter on this list!)
   Needless to say, he shortly got his promotion, and was much happier pursuing his sales career. I found life much easier myself in some of my old jobs once I took on the same perspective.
3. One last tip; mentally separate out what you love to do from what you are paid to do (if, in fact, they are not the same), and tie them back together like this: you get the money to do what you love to do as a direct reward for going to work and doing what you’re paid for. This is the old carrot and stick routine. Once you connect a reward with something, it’s not so hard to make yourself do it again.

Hopefully, this will give you a starting point to work from, but the bottom line that I want you to take away from this issue is the idea that any job can be easy or hard, and the difference between the two is NOT in the job itself. It’s in you. Change your attitude, change your perspective, find the right things to focus on and the job will seem like a totally different ball game.

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity Newsletter, slightly updated to make it current]

Did you know that before bullfighting there was a magnificent Cretan sport (ancient Minoan civilization) called bull-dancing? This is a fresco of it:

The bull dancers were unarmed, but using the principles still known in martial arts, literally took the bull by the horns, using it’s own strength to perform magnificent acrobatics harmlessly up and over the charging beast.
Do you ever feel your life is a bit like that charging bull? If you do, would you like to know how to “dance” it into a thing of grace and beauty?

The secret is in facing it, taking hold of the horns, and turning them to your advantage. Make your greatest threat a tool to propel you higher than you could go alone. Or, to put it another way, turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
This is what successful people of all walks of life already do. This is why so many self-made millionaires are from humble backgrounds. It’s the attitude that they take: if they haven’t got advantages, they’re going to find them anywhere they can, and use them.

The next question is how?

What is the biggest threat in your life right now? Chances are it’s something that seems like its going to bring change: a redundancy at work, a relationship breakdown, something else that you’ve assumed was stable suddenly seeming not quite so solid.

Now, take a look at the reasons why you are fearing this. Face the bull. Do you worry that you’re not going to find another job/another partner? Why is that… are you really that unskilled or unlovable? Maybe this is exactly why the situation has come about – you need to address this belief.

Maybe you’re actually worth MORE than the old job was paying. Could it be that you’ve been forcing yourself to go to work at something you didn’t like doing, and it’s time for you to re-evaluate what you would enjoy doing better?

Has the relationship degenerated into habit, and do you need to look again at just who the person is you’ve chosen to partner with? They won’t be the same person as 10 years ago. Neither will you. Is it possible that you’ve grown in different directions, and need to stop holding each other back with outdated ideas of who you each are? Maybe you are now a better match, but in totally different areas.

Just think beyond the event you’re facing – focus on the other side of the bull – and try to see just what is likely to change, and needs attention.

Now you’re ready. Grab those horns. Make the changes before they’re forced on you, on your OWN terms. Start looking at transfers to other departments you’d enjoy working in, interesting alternative companies, even at possible career changes to lines that have always intrigued you. Schedule some time with your partner to really communicate about how you’ve each changed, and what you each now bring to the relationship, and want to get from it (even if it is just supportive friendship).

It’s YOUR CHOICE at this stage. Make it, take it, and leap past the bull to the new life waiting for you on the other side.

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity Newsletter]

Do you have a dream of something you would love to do, achieve, or be? Are you chasing it?

What’s holding you back?

It’s hard, sometimes, to believe in your ability to be or do everything you dream about – especially in the face of all the negative messages we’re surrounded by daily, and the unrealistic expectations we can never live up to, that leave us feeling less than everyone else (even though pretty much everyone else probably feels the same). Even the most determined person has their dark moments. But it’s the people who get through those moments, pull strength from them to fuel their goals, that enjoy the greatest success on the other side.

Self doubt is nothing new. It’s something we’ve all faced. How do we deal with it? When the group “Human Nature” came to my home town I had the opportunity to ask them about how they overcame those moments. Their answer? There were four of them, they helped each other. Support.

Not all of us have a close knit group like that we can turn to, though, and so some of us have to work to form our own support groups, or take advantage of the growing number of support services that are available today. Coaches, mentors, even therapists, to some extent will form the backup we rely on when we hit the dark times. Other possible support sources you can use to fall back on are common interest groups (especially if you’re pursuing a specific goal that ties in with them – like music, for example), local community organisations and probably the most frequent, our circle of friends.

The trick, of course, is to turn to the most appropriate place for help at the time. Say, for example, you’ve got a friend who’s wonderful, except that she doesn’t believe in your dream, and tells you all the reasons you won’t succeed (we’ve all met them, haven’t we?) When you’re feeling like maybe you aren’t good enough to pull it off, this is NOT the person to bring it up with. If you’re lucky enough to have a life coach or mentor, they are a wonderful place to turn for support – but only if you’re willing to do some looking for yourself at the reasons behind your doubt. If you just need a quick “shot in the arm” pep-talk, you might look somewhere else again. Use your judgement, but the more sources you have to turn to, the more likely you are to succeed. It’s a lot harder to do anything going it alone. (Could this have something to do with why there are more rock groups than solo artists?) Put your networks in place now, before you need them (and be willing to give as well as receive), and you will never look back.

There is another trick, if you haven’t got another place to turn to, or someone whose belief in you can re-ignite your belief in yourself (those friends are like gold – rare and precious). If you are having trouble believing in your ability to achieve a goal, you can take yourself out of the equation a bit by focusing instead on the goal itself. How important is it? How much do you want to see it happen? Let the passion of your ideals fire you up to take action, and forget about your fears. After all, chances are if it’s YOUR goal there’s not going to be anyone else working to achieve it from exactly the same angle – it’s you or nothing.

It amazes me how easily we forget about our doubts and fears when we’re caught up in activity. It’s also useful when you have something you don’t want to do, because as soon as you get started you forget about why you want to avoid it and just get on with it (that’s why the old “do 5 minutes now and THEN stop/watch TV/whatever” trick works so well – even if you aren’t caught up in getting it done at the end of 5 minutes, you’re that much closer to finishing it and it’s not so big and fearful anymore!)

But above all, the key to overcoming self-doubt lies in you. The more practise you get at believing in your abilities the easier it will be to keep growing that belief. Part of the sense of satisfaction at the end of a job well done is just that – feedback to our self-esteem saying “look what you can and have accomplished!” The same with letting go of your limits and fears – practise makes it much easier. I talk some more about this in the free course. I’d like to end this article with a quote that I use to remind myself of the principle:

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity newsletter, updated slightly to make it current]

Are you one of the millions of people today who struggle continuously to make their bodies conform to what they “should” look like? Is eating, or weight, a problem for you? It is for so many people, that I think it’s time we took a look at the problem on a different level to the individual one.

It’s all too easy to blame a problem on the people who are suffering it. On the other hand, when you are suffering it, it’s also easy to blame it on things outside your control. I personally believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle, and that the best solution lies in combining both – taking responsibility for ourselves and being aware of the bigger issues that contribute. Ignorance is anything but bliss in this case.

If you’re wondering what I’m going on about, it’s this. I firmly believe that the increasing weight problems of the western world are not just a question of a whole lot of individual people doing the wrong things. I believe that it’s symptomatic of something that we’re all missing in our lives today – and looking to replace. Unfortunately, when it’s replaced with something addictive like food, drugs, smoking or alcohol, these cause even more problems than the ones we were looking to fix in the first place.

I have spent my life fighting weight issues. The more people told me I had to do something, the worse I felt about it, and – not surprisingly – the worse it got. The more I felt down on myself for being like that, again, the worse it got. I looked back recently on some photos of myself in high school, by which time I had been well and truly convinced I was fat, and was surprised to realise I had not been very big at all. It was nothing to worry about – back then.

By worrying about it, it’s now become a much bigger issue (pardon the pun) – and that’s where all the well meaning comments and constant bombardment of messages, by media, friends and family, can go horribly astray, blowing a minor problem into a major one.

Recently, as you may be aware, I started giving workshops and talks on self-esteem, having finally come to the point where I felt I had learned enough on my own journey to have something real to offer others. I never expected the side benefits I got from that. On the days when I’m caught up in creating or doing work along those lines – I have no interest in food whatsoever.

It’s a huge contrast with the days when I’m busy doing things I’ve “got” to do, that I don’t really like doing. Those days I need to go for the “substance” of food to sustain me, but when I’m chasing my dream, my passion, it’s like I’m feeding off something totally different…a life energy and enthusiasm that wasn’t there before.

I honestly walk around feeling full all day, even if I’ve not touched a thing! The energy just flows, and I’ve come to realise that it was this kind of feeling that I’ve been chasing all these years with food. The feeling that I’m worthwhile, and have something to offer. A basic assumption, that we should ALL believe, but one which so few people really do. Is this why we’re all chasing the comfort of food?

Sure, an individual can take action and change their life habits to push themselves against the stream and get thin, give up smoking, drugs or alcohol. It happens all the time. From what I hear, though, it is a REAL uphill struggle. From the years when I was trying to do it myself, I know that’s true – and it always seemed to me that the harder I tried (the more I worked on myself to fix the problem, in other words) the worse it got. How about you?

Now, being aware of the things I’ve been looking for in food, and aware of the messages I’ve got from our general society, it’s a lot easier. In fact, it’s hardly even an effort – on those days when I’m fulfilling those needs. On the days when I try to conform to what I “should” be doing it gets hard, but then I have a day where I’m giving a talk, running a workshop, or creating things for this website, and it all flows again. I’ve been missing something and blaming myself for not having it.

Self-fulfilment.

Why aren’t we raised with the belief that we have something special to offer? Why don’t we grow up searching for what that is and finding ways to express it? Where do we get caught up in “gotta get a job,” “gotta make a lot of money,” and start trying to find self-worth in things we have or do? That’s not where our value lies. It’s a lie in itself.

When you discover that you are special, and start sharing that sense of ‘specialness’ with the world – that, I believe, is when you start healing that hole inside. The one you’ve been trying to fill up with food, money, alcohol, whatever. It’s perfectly right and natural that you should feel it, and want to fill it – just realise that it’s not something outside yourself that does the trick, even if it feels like it should be. That hole is the part of you that wants to feel loved, needed and appreciated – and if you’re not given that automatically by virtue of just being you, then maybe it’s time we started looking at where our society goes wrong.

We all deserve love, appreciation and expression. Our world doesn’t give that to us at the moment, but we can create it for ourselves. You can start with your own life – start expressing who you are, believing in your own value – whatever it takes, and stop looking at the symptoms as if they were the disease. Learn to believe in yourself – appreciate the unique and individual gifts you have to offer the world, and start finding ways to express them. I sincerely hope that you, like me, will be surprised at the results!

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity Newsletter, slightly updated to make it current]

How many of you have ever thought about the link between believing in yourself, and getting a good income? You would think that your income is based entirely on your skills, wouldn’t you? Well, we know how true that one is. So what does play a part in deciding what you are worth in money terms per year?

There’s no denying that there are a lot of factors involved in setting a salary, for example, but did you know that in Australia there are about 10 times more applicants for a $25,000 job than there are for one at $50,000? One reason, I believe, is that a lot of people just don’t believe that they’re worth that much, and so, even if they get the courage up to ask for the job description, they talk themselves against ever applying for it.

I saw this once before where I was working, when a position at just over $30,000 got a literal flood of enquiries – it was well over 50. You know how many actually put the application in? Only 6. Seriously. It wasn’t as though the job description was excessively difficult either. The main thing that put people off was that they had to be prepared to get in a car and travel short distances occasionally. How hard is that? Especially considering a large part of the local population commute for 1 1/2 hours to the nearest city for work…

On a personal level, I used to be in one of those $25,000 jobs. With a Uni degree, and Honours, I thought I was lucky to get it considering the high level of unemployment locally. I sold the company on how much I had to offer. They took me up on it. Then they pushed the envelope, and got even more. Bargain rates! I filled 3 job descriptions, all on my own, and I was still on $25K. After the promised salary and position title review ended up leaving me in exactly the same position, or worse, I started feeling I wasn’t really being appreciated. You probably know the feeling yourself.

That was when I started to think about how much I felt I was worth. I thought about what salary I wanted, and came up against some pretty strong beliefs about how I didn’t really deserve more, and I should be grateful for what I had.

Pardon the language, but “stuff that” thought I.

I spent the next few months intensively working on what I believed about myself. I started to make positive affirmations about how much I was worth, and how I deserved to have a decent salary, and I didn’t deserve to spend every minute stressed out over how I’d pay the bills. I repeated positive statements about myself to the mirror. I wrote down what I wanted. I did exercises to push the boundaries further.

Then, out of the blue, I got a phone call offering me a job at $43,500, and apologising because it was probably going to be fairly simple work for me.

That’s when I found out about the statistics on how there’s a shortage of people applying for top positions.

Now, I agree this is not a scientific study, but it seems like a pretty clear link to me. Especially considering I had a similar (although less deliberate) process happening when I got the $25K job to start with.  Then throw in the fact that I’ve done it again – not once, but twice, with really HEALTHY salary jumps each time.  It looks a bit stronger of a possibility, doesn’t it?

Do you have anything over at the end of the pay period?
If not, here’s a quick exercise to try. Take your current salary. Triple it, and imagine yourself being offered a position at that level. Chances are, you’ll start to find all kinds of things coming up – the personal arguments you use to talk yourself out of receiving that much money.

Not convinced?

Get a tape recorder, and leave it playing while you do a role play of you, asking your boss for a raise. Make it a decent one, say $5,000 or so. When you play it back, you’ll probably find that there is at least one sentence that you
came up with, as yourself, that argued against you getting the raise. “I know there’s budget issues…” is a common one.

Start spending a bit of time thinking about what you are really worth. Forget about the idea of being “selfish” and take a good look at what you have to offer. Work on your beliefs about yourself. As you do, and build these thoughts into your self-image, you’ll start to notice little things coming your way that do improve your lifestyle. Signposts, if you will, that you’re on the right track. Maybe a small win in the lottery, or a scratch lottery ticket. Maybe finding some cash on the street, or being given too much change. You’ll know what it is when it happens, if you’re still on track. Use these little signposts to keep yourself motivated to go that next step further. The sky really is the limit.

[This is an article from my original Self Positivity Newsletter, slightly updated to make it current]